Being "Nice"

"I'm just telling you the truth.  And sometimes, the truth hurts."

So said someone who was criticizing me fairly harshly, several years ago.  When I had suggested that their angry tone was less than loving, they responded with the words above.  Perhaps you’ve heard those words spoken to you before, most likely by a person who was saying something that you don’t like.    

The concept is true enough.  My beautiful two-year-old daughter poked my belly the other day, giggled, and said, “Big and soft!”

Ouch.

The truth certainly can hurt, and it will be inevitable that there will be times where we are obliged to share a truth with someone that they don’t like, and in those cases, our words can indeed be hurtful to others.

But it’s funny, I've noticed that the people in my life who are by nature tender-hearted never say things like, “Hey, sorry, but the truth hurts.”  This is because, while the truth does sometimes hurt, they still make every effort to soften their words, choosing their phrasing carefully, and do all that they can to couch the painful side of truth in love, respect, hope, and grace.  When they do cause hurt, they never blame it on “the truth,” and they make gentleness a high priority in their conversations. 

“But Jesus wasn’t ‘nice’ all the time,” I’ve heard people say in response.  “Sometimes, you’ve just got to let people know where it’s at.”

While this is true, Jesus is also Lord, with perfect motivation, perfect intentions, perfect understanding, perfect wisdom, and perfect love covering over it all.  Are you there?

There are many books, blogs and articles right now that attack the idea of "niceness" in Christians.  We have a reputation for being "nice" people - and it has become a dirty word.  Niceness implies a person who shies away from honesty and truth in the name of peace, or someone who prioritizes being liked over being sincere.  It implies a certain shallowness, to be sure.

In that sense, niceness doesn't sound great.  There is weakness depicted here, a softness of character, a spinelessness at times - all in the name of likeability.

However, consider this:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” (Gal 5:22-23)

We rightly point out that “niceness” isn’t on the list.  Love is, however.  Kindness is.  Gentleness is.

Yes, the truth sometimes does hurt.  And we are not called to be “nice,” per se.  But we are also not permitted to share anything, including truth, that is not surrounded by kindness, gentleness, and love. 

When we do this, even the hard truths become easier to swallow, and the hard words are softened by these qualities of God.

We can please God AND be a greater encouragement to other people.....who’d have thunk it? 

Honouring When It's Tough

“Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.” ~ Rom 13:7

            How easy it is to honour those who deserve it!  Wonderful parents, amazing leaders, politicians we agree with, peers that we admire.  It is simple enough to be respectful towards those that we, well, respect. 

            But it is dangerous to put conditions on our honour.  Jesus says, “If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?  And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?” (Mt 5:46-47)  He calls us to the radical posture of loving even our enemies – because when we were enemies of God, He loved us nonetheless (Rom 5:8)

            “But you don’t know what my parents were like!” some say.  “You don’t know what my boss did to me!”  “You have no idea how that person burned me!”

            This is certainly true.  But consider two things:

            First, honour doesn’t necessarily mean full obedience or agreement, if the other person is far from God’s ways.  The early apostles were ordered by those in authority to stop preaching the Gospel; this command was not followed (Ac 5:37-42).  The Hebrew midwives were ordered to kill all male Hebrew babies; this order was ignored (Ex 1:15-19).  When Jesus entered Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, He was ordered to quiet down the worshiping crowd; He refused to do so (Lk 19:37-40).  We can still honour someone, even as we disagree with them, or even as we choose to go a different way.

            Second, honour really should be unconditional.  Consider David, before He become king.  Saul was trying to murder him, pursuing him relentlessly, and in the process, tried to murder his own son, slaughtered many innocent priests, and consulted a witch for spiritual direction (1Sam 19-28).  Clearly, this is not a leader to be obeyed!  And yet, when given the opportunity to avenge himself, David refuses each time (1Sam 24; 26).  When Saul is eventually killed in battle, David was furious that someone rose their spear to God’s chosen leader (2Sam 1:14).  Although David did not follow Saul, and even called Saul out on his many sins, he nonetheless still honoured the role of King, treating Saul respectfully, even as he distanced himself from him. 

            We don’t have to agree with others – we can, in fact, disagree entirely.  But this does not mean that we get to throw out the principles of respect and honour.  We aren’t responsible for what others do; we are only responsible for ourselves and our reactions.

            To disagree without dishonour is very difficult to manage....not many can do this well.  Yet, it is a powerful thing to be able to hold on to our convictions, while also knowing that we have treated the other party well, while also knowing that we are being obedient to God’s ways.  Win-win-win.